Phoenix Rising...

I feel like so much has happened since I last took the time to write that I really don't know where to begin...

My head is swimming with SO many thoughts and about 90% of them are not the good kind.  It's absolutely amazing to me how the human emotion can in one moment take you from the highest of highs and in a matter of moments plunge you to the depths of the absolute lowest you have ever experienced in your life.  in the past 3 weeks my emotions have run the gamut.

 My Scotsman made it out for my birthday and despite being ill it was the best 10 days of my life thus far.  Being really and truly loved for the first time ever in my life is a feeling like no other.  The way he would look at me was something that I've never experienced; you could see the love just radiating from him.  Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and he had to go back home.  Since the 27th of July, I feel like my world is falling apart.  I've always missed him but this is SO MUCH MORE now.  To top that off work has been a sack of shit.  Being out while Craig was here because of two separate illnesses put me exponentially behind everyone else and despite using two weekends where I did not have a day off I cannot catch up for the life of me.  To top that off I've saddled myself into this massively depressive state, I know partially why, well there are several reasons why I am but besides being thousands and thousands of miles way from the one that I love, I've recently suffered a very personal and very deep tragedy.  I've got to get myself in this space where I can do everything that I wand and need to do.  Craig and I have a massively hard journey ahead of us over the next few years filled with major decision making and the like.  I need to get myself and Connor into a space where we are prepared for the future and inevitably to be a family if and when the time is right.

But the moral I guess for me, is to get out on "paper" how blessed I really am.  After dropping Craig off at the airport for him to head home, I really felt like I had been reborn because of his coming despite the incredible ache I felt watching him leave.   I have an amazing man in my life, a beautiful little boy and am poised on the precipice of a potentially REALLY happily ever after.  I just need a little faith, trust and maybe some Celtic faerie dust to round it all out...