Day One...

Ugh...the morning started off less than desirable.  I couldn't fall asleep, again so when I finally did nod off it was close to 2 am with my alarm set for 530 to complete a workout and shower before work.  Connor woke me up at 430 and I should have just gotten up but I was so tired I went back to sleep and didn't hear my alarm until 645...well after I needed to get up =/  Jumped in the shower, didn't have time to get breakfast (HUGE mistake), grabbed lunch out of the freezer and rushed to work.

I told myself that I would have a good day.  After a shitty weekend I had to.  If I'm going to change my attitude, I have to do it little by little and refusing to go in in a bad mood is a start, a small one but a start nonetheless.  Headache got bad around 9 am and my stomach started getting really bad around 11.  I didn't pack any snacks today and I don't know if it was because of that or the lack of breakfast.  Right now its just after 1800 and I feel run down.  Work today was more mentally draining then usual, I got a ton of transfer files, more than the norm for a Monday plus the lack of sleep is trying.  I also think that the conscious knowledge of the calorie restriction being back into affect is making me constantly feel hungry.  I'm not a huge eater as it is, most likely a left over side effect from being an anorexic for years but the past few weeks the food I was putting wasn't the best, but all day I have wanted to eat.  Bored eating, maybe.  I'm not dehydrated, I've had over a gallon of water as well...

Due to not waking up when I wanted to I didn't get to weigh in either.  I'm not too upset about that though.  I'm a little afraid actually.  Craig switched my scale to KG while he was here and I can't figure how to change it back.  I know I lost 15 lbs in the first 2 weeks after he went home due to the deep depression I plunged into upon his departure but due to my shitty eating habits and poor sleep patterns, I'm not surprised if I gained all that back. 

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day... but on the brighter side, I started the day telling myself that I loved myself...fake it til ya make it Bec, fake it til ya make it...

Enough is enough...

Since the end of July I've been spiraling into a unknown I'm not happy about.  The way I've been treating myself and my mind is incomprehensible.  If what I was doing to myself I had been doing to another, it probably would have been considered abuse.

So today, after spending much of the night laying awake reflecting on the last month, I have decided,; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 

I am tired of not being important enough.  Not being important enough to myself and not being important enough to stand up for what I believe in and for my feelings.  I'm tired of giving my all as far as the weight loss and then not seeing results and then giving up on myself after a few weeks.  I'm done playing that game.  I'm tired of being fat.  I'm tired of not wearing what I want.  As stupid as this sounds, I'm tired of not getting second looks when I enter a room.  I know that sounds incredibly vain but when they used to come and now they don't...

I'm tired of not feeling sexy when I get up in the morning and get ready.  Tired of not caring if and when I roll out of bed.  Overall, I'm just tired...

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new me.  Diet, exercise, self-love...

It's happening.

World, you better WATCH OUT!

Phoenix Rising...

I feel like so much has happened since I last took the time to write that I really don't know where to begin...

My head is swimming with SO many thoughts and about 90% of them are not the good kind.  It's absolutely amazing to me how the human emotion can in one moment take you from the highest of highs and in a matter of moments plunge you to the depths of the absolute lowest you have ever experienced in your life.  in the past 3 weeks my emotions have run the gamut.

 My Scotsman made it out for my birthday and despite being ill it was the best 10 days of my life thus far.  Being really and truly loved for the first time ever in my life is a feeling like no other.  The way he would look at me was something that I've never experienced; you could see the love just radiating from him.  Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and he had to go back home.  Since the 27th of July, I feel like my world is falling apart.  I've always missed him but this is SO MUCH MORE now.  To top that off work has been a sack of shit.  Being out while Craig was here because of two separate illnesses put me exponentially behind everyone else and despite using two weekends where I did not have a day off I cannot catch up for the life of me.  To top that off I've saddled myself into this massively depressive state, I know partially why, well there are several reasons why I am but besides being thousands and thousands of miles way from the one that I love, I've recently suffered a very personal and very deep tragedy.  I've got to get myself in this space where I can do everything that I wand and need to do.  Craig and I have a massively hard journey ahead of us over the next few years filled with major decision making and the like.  I need to get myself and Connor into a space where we are prepared for the future and inevitably to be a family if and when the time is right.

But the moral I guess for me, is to get out on "paper" how blessed I really am.  After dropping Craig off at the airport for him to head home, I really felt like I had been reborn because of his coming despite the incredible ache I felt watching him leave.   I have an amazing man in my life, a beautiful little boy and am poised on the precipice of a potentially REALLY happily ever after.  I just need a little faith, trust and maybe some Celtic faerie dust to round it all out...