Starting Over...

Wow...It's been a very rough last 2 months.  And for me probably a rough last decade.  Dealing with the relationship I've been in has drastically changed me as a woman and as a person, both good and bad.  Looking back I have realized that I gave up a lot to "keep" that relationship going and little by little I am starting to do those things again that I let go.  Writing is one of them.  This blog is going to be like my therapy in a way.  There are a lot of feelings that I have kept inside for a long time and I'm not keeping them in any longer.  I don't have to.  It's just me now and I don't have anyone to answer to anymore and in a way that's very freeing and almost a relief.

For starters, after 10 years together, my relationship with my High School sweetheart came to a screeching halt on June 16th, right as we were heading to bed for the evening.  He decided to tell me that he no longer wanted to be married to me with the reasoning of, he didn't feel I pulled my weight in chores around the house nor showed him that I loved him enough.  Apparently, to him, that is grounds for divorce.  With sobs racking my body I asked for more answers and for us to try counseling and was told no. A few days later he began to stay over at a friend's house and eventually moved out of our home on July 1st, leaving me with unpaid bills and still plenty of unanswered questions.

To be clear, when it came to the chores I am/was the primary caregiver for our son Connor and Nick never once said, "Hey, can you come help with ________?" because if he had, I would have in a second.  As far as the showing him that I loved him thing... I have "taken care of" Nick since the beginning of our relationship.  Emotionally, financially, physically.  Almost sometimes to the point where it has been overwhelming and exhausting for me.  More than once have I been the breadwinner for this family and sometimes the only person bringing in an income but I did it because of the love I had for him.  While he was in college out of town I carried both of our households, many times paying not only the rent for my own place but also for his apartment as well.  And sending him money for groceries and what not while sometimes going without.  So to hear him say that was a slap in the face.

I'm not saying we have not have had our problems.  Oh no! Far from it.  This is where it gets embarrassing and the soul bearing part of this exercise becomes hard.  For quite a big chunk of the relationship, he's had an infidelity problem.  Now I don't know if that means he actually engaged in acts of intercourse, but I do know that he spoke with other girls, sent them inappropriate photos and offered inappropriate things and this occurred more than once.  This is the embarrassing part because most normal women would have tossed his ass out on the front porch the first or second time this occurred.  But no, stupid me, believed the lies and his crying that he probably faked, and let him stay when he said he would NEVER do it again.  But still each time, the trust was broken that much more and he would complain that I never trusted him.  I don't think I did. Not after the second time I caught him watching porn and surfing the sexual personals on Craigslist.  How can you?  Each time he hid his cellphone from me what else was I supposed to think?

So in that aspect I know it's a good thing that he's gone.  I don't have to worry about where he's really going, or the lies, or the cheating.  I have filed for divorce.  He asked for a separation but I think this is a sign from God that I need to rid myself of this toxic boy, yes I said boy, he is in no way shape or form a man, once and for all.  I pray for the strength to make it through this long and arduous process because he has turned into a complete monster.  He is not the person I fell in love with and married, nor the person I chose to father my son.  That's another thing that breaks my heart...watching Connor go through this.  It's not been easy on him at all.  I'm trying to stick to our old routine as much as possible and shower my little monkey with as much extra love and hugs as I can to let him know that even though daddy may be a punk and has left, mommy isn't going anywhere.

I think that will wrap it up for tonight...

Song of the Day:   Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson - so right!