Divorce...Di-vorce...D-I-V-O-R-C-E. To me, this has always been the dirtiest word in the English language because of what it stands for. I can't even say it out loud without getting a bad taste in my mouth and here I am right smack dab in the middle of one. One thing I vowed and wished I would never have to go through after watching my parents go through it. Dictionary.com defines it as: total separation; disunion. Ouch!
I've been away for the past few days reflecting on my life. Wednesday, 8/18 I had the pleasure of taking a girl's night with some friends and we saw Owl City and John Mayer in Phoenix. Boy, that was a toughie. When I heard John Mayer was coming to town, the one person I wanted to call and tell, I couldn't. Nick and I LOVE John Mayer. John came out right when Nick and I started dating and his music has always linked us. It was always our wish to see him live because of how phenomenally he can play the guitar. Well just because my husband is leaving doesn't mean I can't go see John by myself right? So I called up a girlfriend I knew enjoyed his music and we rallied 2 other girlfriends and trekked up there. John was amazing. He put on a show like no concert I have ever been to. There were a few times he played songs that I didn't want to hear and unfortunately I got a little down and shed a few tears. But he also played a few songs and spoke about starting over and it was like he was speaking to me. I did my best to not think about how it would have been different had Nick and I gone together and I actually didn't wish once that he was there with me. (This is an improvement!)
The thing about change that I hate so much is the changing part. Starting over is scary. The unknown and uncertainties of it all. My family and friends have been saying that now I will get to find me, but what am I looking for and how will I know when "me" has been found?? I think this is what worries me. What if I don't find "me"? Will I keep on looking and searching for eternity until my life is over? I think about how much I have missed out on already and I don't want to miss anything else. You only get to live this once and now that I have been thrust into this unhappy place I want to make sure that I'm not just existing but actually living for a change!
There are some things that I have been thinking about changing/fixing. The first part of the finding/fixing me that I know and am aware of is getting this weight off. Not having the support that I was looking for was tough but now I just have me holding me back and I am not going to allow that any longer. Again, I only have one life to live and dog gone it I'm gonna live it! Next week I'm starting Jillian's 30 day shred and I have Slim In 6 on the way in the mail...gonna go down to 1200 calories a day and get this mama bod into a hot mama bod. Best type of revenge if I say so myself!
Next on the list unfortunately is a big purchase...I want to get my master bedroom decorated and I am in desperate need of a new bed. I hate that every night I crawl into a bed I used to share with someone who now has a brand new bed that I have never been in. Doesn't seem fair to me. So, I have decided to start putting extra money away to redecorate and refurnish my room so that it doesn't remind me of him when I go in there. Right now unfortunately it does and I don't spend much time in there. I'd like to decorate it in Alice in Wonderland, the new Tim Burton version, as I have some posters from the movie that are very much like pieces of art that will be the centerpieces of the room. I'd like to get a light blue or pale pink bedspread and some pretty curtains to match. I'm pretty much saying that I'd like the room to reflect me for a change and I think it will.
The only other room in the house I have been avoiding has been the office. There are several boxes in there that have yet to be unpacked from when we moved in April of 2009. I need to purge and fix up this room as my spare bedroom and I think one good weekend in there will get it all cleaned and organized and as I have extra money I can put a futon and curtains in there as well.
I have always been one for organization and tidiness, sometimes almost to a fault and for the past several years my life and surroundings have become kind of chaotic. My goal is to restore the peacefulness to it again so that I'm free to come and go as I please and not feel like I have an unwritten list hanging in the background begging to me completed. I know its going to take some time but I'm looking forward to this and I'm looking forward to moving on. Wish me luck...off to bed for now. :)
Song of the Day - Feel Again - Taio Cruz
I believe this one is my favorite because I to had to ask who am I, what am I looking for and how to I know when I find it. But you will. That is the wonderful thing. You can now starting thinking for you and Connor. You can now save money for things that you want to do. You can now do the things that you want to do. Finding yourself is a never ending journey for we are always changing and evloving. But its something that is beautiful once we do. You are a smart, beautiful, caring, strong woman. You have amazed me with the strength and courage that you posse. Every since I have known you,I have looked up to you and admired you. I know that divorce is labled as a "bad" thing. But if you think of it, its a start of a new chapter. It's a "bad" thing to stay with someone who only brings you down, and doesnt build you up. A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP! And yes, I have never been married but I was with my ex for 5 years and we lived liked we were married. So I know that pain and confusion you are going through. But as long as you hold your head high and better yourself for YOU and not him, then everything will be ok. Stop thinking about what he is doing, or what he will think if you do this. And just live for you and the handsome young man of your son :o)
ReplyDelete