I re-read over my post from last night and I am hoping that those in my family and my ex's family are not upset with me. I am not trying to slander or put down Nick. I am merely sharing my feelings on what I am going through right now. It is not my intention to bash him. I will not stoop to the level he has reached in the last few months. Please understand that at one time I was in love with Nick. I still love him to some extent today and I probably always will because he was the first serious love of my life and also my husband and the father of my beautiful child, but I spent some time thinking about it today and I don't think I've been "in love" with him for awhile. I've been hurt so many times and yet I continued to put myself through it over and over again. This is where the part of me needing to work on me comes into play. Besides loving him and praying that he would go back to the Nick I fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship, deep down I wonder if I felt I wouldn't be able to find anyone else to love me so I settled. Maybe I stayed because of the fear that no one else would want me.
Now today, I know that last statement is not true. I've been working very hard on my self-esteem since Nick has left which is hard because like that wasn't a blow. Someone who says they love you and vows to spend the rest of their life with you through good or bad, suddenly changes their mind? I have to remind myself DAILY that I didn't do anything wrong and I know in my heart of heart's that I didn't. I think more than I once I have tried to save something that #1 wasn't worth saving and #2 couldn't be saved. I think each time Nick did something to break my trust, looking back I feel that it was God's way of giving me an out and instead of taking it I stayed. I believe that He knew I wouldn't/couldn't leave so I feel He had Nick leave in order for me to start over. Yes it hurts like Hell and yes it's painful and I cry more than I'd like to admit but I'm not crying for Nick. I'm crying for a broken marriage. I'm crying for the death of my family. I'm crying for the hopes of what I had prayed would one day be. I'm crying because I am hurt. I'm hurt that I allowed this go on for so long. I'm hurt by all of the horrible, nasty things he has said to me over the last few weeks when those lips used to speak kind words to me and kiss me goodnight once upon a time. I'm hurt because I do have a broken heart, whether or not I'd like to admit it, it is broken. No, I do not want Nick back and would not take him back if he came back asking for forgiveness tomorrow, but my heart still hurts at the memory of the good times and the love that at one time we did share; primarily at the beginning at the beginning of our relationship and right after Connor was born.
So you may ask why the Phoenix? I am the Phoenix. The Phoenix is me. This relationship, this divorce is my fire. The end of old, dead, no light in her eyes Beckie. I WILL rise from the ashes of this experience stronger and more beautiful than I have ever been in my whole life. I will be the woman of faith God wants me to be, the mom that Connor needs me to be, and maybe some day the wonderful wife that a man will appreciate me to be. I deserve to be loved by a man and treated as an equal, something that I am not with but eventually will be excited to experience.
I look forward to the journey of self-discovery that I am about to embark on. I am excited to put me first again for the first time in 10 years and remember what it feels like to do what I want to do when I want to do it. These past 2 days of writing again has renewed my soul in so many ways. All I could think about today was, "I can't wait to get home and write!" It has felt so good to let the words flow again. I think I will eventually pick up the books I started to write way back when and/or start over with them but this time finish them and maybe see if there are any publisher's that may be interested in them. Who knows where this journey will lead but I'm happy for the support of those of you that are along for the ride!
Song of The Day: The Climb - Miley Cyrus - These lyrics kept me going today. I heard it twice at work.
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