Pearl

I bought Katy Perry's new album and there is song on there that fits my situation perfectly so I thought I'd share:

Pearl

She is a pyramid

But with him she's just a grain of sand

This love's too strong

Like Mice and Men

Squeezing out the life

That should be let in

She was a hurricane

But now she's just a gust of wind

She used to set the sails of a thousand ships

Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a Statue of Liberty

She could be a Joan of Arc

But he's scared of the light that's inside of her

So he keeps her in the dark

Oh, she used to be a pearl

Yeah, she used to rule the world

Can't believe she's become a shell of herself

'Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable
Moved fast just like an avalanche

But she's stuck deep in cement

Wishing that they never ever met

She could be a Statue of Liberty

She could be a Joan of Arc
But he's scared of the light that's inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh, she used to be a pearl

Yeah, she used to rule the world
Can't believe she's become a shell of herself

'Cause, she used to be a pearl

Do you know that there's a way out

There's a way out, there's a way out, there's a way out

You don't have to be held down

Be held down, be held down, be held down

Cause I used to be a shell

Yeah, I let him rule my world, my world

But I woke up and grew strong

And I can still go on

And no one can take my pearl

You don't have to be a shell, no

You're the one that rules your world

You are strong

And you'll learn

That you can still go on

And you'll always be a pearl

She is unstoppable

A Dirty Word...

Divorce...Di-vorce...D-I-V-O-R-C-E.  To me, this has always been the dirtiest word in the English language because of what it stands for.  I can't even say it out loud without getting a bad taste in my mouth and here I am right smack dab in the middle of one.  One thing I vowed and wished I would never have to go through after watching my parents go through it.  Dictionary.com defines it as: total separation; disunion.  Ouch!

I've  been away for the past few days reflecting on my life.  Wednesday, 8/18 I had the pleasure of taking a girl's night with some friends and we saw Owl City and John Mayer in Phoenix.  Boy, that was a toughie.  When I heard John Mayer was coming to town, the one person I wanted to call and tell, I couldn't.  Nick and I LOVE John Mayer.  John came out right when Nick and I started dating and his music has always linked us.  It was always our wish to see him live because of how phenomenally he can play the guitar.  Well just because my husband is leaving doesn't mean I can't go see John by myself right? So I called up a girlfriend I knew enjoyed his music and we rallied 2 other girlfriends and trekked up there.  John was amazing.  He put on a show like no concert I have ever been to.  There were a few times he played songs that I didn't want to hear and unfortunately I got a little down and shed a few tears.  But he also played a few songs and spoke about starting over and it was like he was speaking to me.  I did my best to not think about how it would have been different had Nick and I gone together and I actually didn't wish once that he was there with me.  (This is an improvement!)

The thing about change that I hate so much is the changing part.  Starting over is scary.  The unknown and uncertainties of it all.  My family and friends have been saying that now I will get to find me, but what am I looking for and how will I know when "me" has been found?? I think this is what worries me.  What if I don't find "me"?  Will I keep on looking and searching for eternity until my life is over?  I think about how much I have missed out on already and I don't want to miss anything else.  You only get to live this once and now that I have been thrust into this unhappy place I want to make sure that I'm not just existing but actually living for a change!

There are some things that I have been thinking about changing/fixing.  The first part of the finding/fixing me that I know and am aware of is getting this weight off.  Not having the support that I was looking for was tough but now I just have me holding me back and I am not going to allow that any longer.  Again, I only have one life to live and dog gone it I'm gonna live it!  Next week I'm starting Jillian's 30 day shred and I have Slim In 6 on the way in the mail...gonna go down to 1200 calories a day and get this mama bod into a hot mama bod.  Best type of revenge if I say so myself!

Next on the list unfortunately is a big purchase...I want to get my master bedroom decorated and I am in desperate need of a new bed.  I hate that every night I crawl into a bed I used to share with someone who now has a brand new bed that I have never been in.  Doesn't seem fair to me.  So, I have decided to start putting extra money away to redecorate and refurnish my room so that it doesn't remind me of him when I go in there.  Right now unfortunately it does and I don't spend much time in there.  I'd like to decorate it in Alice in Wonderland, the new Tim Burton version, as I have some posters from the movie that are very much like pieces of art that will be the centerpieces of the room.  I'd like to get a light blue or pale pink bedspread and some pretty curtains to match.  I'm pretty much saying that I'd like the room to reflect me for a change and I think it will.

The only other room in the house I have been avoiding has been the office.  There are several boxes in there that have yet to be unpacked from when we moved in April of 2009.  I need to purge and fix up this room as my spare bedroom and I think one good weekend in there will get it all cleaned and organized and as I have extra money I can put a futon and curtains in there as well.

I have always been one for organization and tidiness, sometimes almost to a fault and for the past several years my life and surroundings have become kind of chaotic.  My goal is to restore the peacefulness to it again so that I'm free to come and go as I please and not feel like I have an unwritten list hanging in the background begging to me completed.  I know its going to take some time but I'm looking forward to this and I'm looking forward to moving on.  Wish me luck...off to bed for now. :)

Song of the Day - Feel Again - Taio Cruz

The Phoenix

I re-read over my post from last night and I am hoping that those in my family and my ex's family are not upset with me.  I am not trying to slander or put down Nick.  I am merely sharing my feelings on what I am going through right now.  It is not my intention to bash him.  I will not stoop to the level he has reached in the last few months.  Please understand that at one time I was in love with Nick.  I still love him to some extent today and I probably always will because he was the first serious love of my life and also my husband and the father of my beautiful child, but I spent some time thinking about it today and I don't think I've been "in love" with him for awhile.  I've been hurt so many times and yet I continued to put myself through it over and over again.  This is where the part of me needing to work on me comes into play.  Besides loving him and praying that he would go back to the Nick I fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship, deep down I wonder if I felt I wouldn't be able to find anyone else to love me so I settled.  Maybe I stayed because of the fear that no one else would want me.

Now today, I know that last statement is not true.  I've been working very hard on my self-esteem since Nick has left which is hard because like that wasn't a blow.  Someone who says they love you and vows to spend the rest of their life with you through good or bad, suddenly changes their mind?  I have to remind myself DAILY that I didn't do anything wrong and I know in my heart of heart's that I didn't.  I think more than I once I have tried to save something that #1 wasn't worth saving and #2 couldn't be saved.  I think each time Nick did something to break my trust, looking back I feel that it was God's way of giving me an out and instead of taking it I stayed.  I believe that He knew I wouldn't/couldn't leave so I feel He had Nick leave in order for me to start over.  Yes it hurts like Hell and yes it's painful and I cry more than I'd like to admit but I'm not crying for Nick.  I'm crying for a broken marriage.  I'm crying for the death of my family.  I'm crying for the hopes of what I had prayed would one day be.  I'm crying because I am hurt.  I'm hurt that I allowed this go on for so long.  I'm hurt by all of the horrible, nasty things he has said to me over the last few weeks when those lips used to speak kind words to me and kiss me goodnight once upon a time.  I'm hurt because I do have a broken heart, whether or not I'd like to admit it, it is broken.  No, I do not want Nick back and would not take him back if he came back asking for forgiveness tomorrow, but my heart still hurts at the memory of the good times and the love that at one time we did share; primarily at the beginning at the beginning of our relationship and right after Connor was born.

So you may ask why the Phoenix?  I am the Phoenix.  The Phoenix is me. This relationship, this divorce is my fire.  The end of old, dead, no light in her eyes Beckie.  I WILL rise from the ashes of this experience stronger and more beautiful than I have ever been in my whole life.  I will be the woman of faith God wants me to be, the mom that Connor needs me to be, and maybe some day the wonderful wife that a man will appreciate me to be.  I deserve to be loved by a man and treated as an equal, something that I am not with but eventually will be excited to experience.

                                    

I look forward to the journey of self-discovery that I am about to embark on.  I am excited to put me first again for the first time in 10 years and remember what it feels like to do what I want to do when I want to do it.  These past 2 days of writing again has renewed my soul in so many ways.  All I could think about today was, "I can't wait to get home and write!"  It has felt so good to let the words flow again.  I think I will eventually pick up the books I started to write way back when and/or start over with them but this time finish them and maybe see if there are any publisher's that may be interested in them.  Who knows where this journey will lead but I'm happy for the support of those of you that are along for the ride!

Song of The Day: The Climb - Miley Cyrus - These lyrics kept me going today. I heard it twice at work.

Starting Over...

Wow...It's been a very rough last 2 months.  And for me probably a rough last decade.  Dealing with the relationship I've been in has drastically changed me as a woman and as a person, both good and bad.  Looking back I have realized that I gave up a lot to "keep" that relationship going and little by little I am starting to do those things again that I let go.  Writing is one of them.  This blog is going to be like my therapy in a way.  There are a lot of feelings that I have kept inside for a long time and I'm not keeping them in any longer.  I don't have to.  It's just me now and I don't have anyone to answer to anymore and in a way that's very freeing and almost a relief.

For starters, after 10 years together, my relationship with my High School sweetheart came to a screeching halt on June 16th, right as we were heading to bed for the evening.  He decided to tell me that he no longer wanted to be married to me with the reasoning of, he didn't feel I pulled my weight in chores around the house nor showed him that I loved him enough.  Apparently, to him, that is grounds for divorce.  With sobs racking my body I asked for more answers and for us to try counseling and was told no. A few days later he began to stay over at a friend's house and eventually moved out of our home on July 1st, leaving me with unpaid bills and still plenty of unanswered questions.

To be clear, when it came to the chores I am/was the primary caregiver for our son Connor and Nick never once said, "Hey, can you come help with ________?" because if he had, I would have in a second.  As far as the showing him that I loved him thing... I have "taken care of" Nick since the beginning of our relationship.  Emotionally, financially, physically.  Almost sometimes to the point where it has been overwhelming and exhausting for me.  More than once have I been the breadwinner for this family and sometimes the only person bringing in an income but I did it because of the love I had for him.  While he was in college out of town I carried both of our households, many times paying not only the rent for my own place but also for his apartment as well.  And sending him money for groceries and what not while sometimes going without.  So to hear him say that was a slap in the face.

I'm not saying we have not have had our problems.  Oh no! Far from it.  This is where it gets embarrassing and the soul bearing part of this exercise becomes hard.  For quite a big chunk of the relationship, he's had an infidelity problem.  Now I don't know if that means he actually engaged in acts of intercourse, but I do know that he spoke with other girls, sent them inappropriate photos and offered inappropriate things and this occurred more than once.  This is the embarrassing part because most normal women would have tossed his ass out on the front porch the first or second time this occurred.  But no, stupid me, believed the lies and his crying that he probably faked, and let him stay when he said he would NEVER do it again.  But still each time, the trust was broken that much more and he would complain that I never trusted him.  I don't think I did. Not after the second time I caught him watching porn and surfing the sexual personals on Craigslist.  How can you?  Each time he hid his cellphone from me what else was I supposed to think?

So in that aspect I know it's a good thing that he's gone.  I don't have to worry about where he's really going, or the lies, or the cheating.  I have filed for divorce.  He asked for a separation but I think this is a sign from God that I need to rid myself of this toxic boy, yes I said boy, he is in no way shape or form a man, once and for all.  I pray for the strength to make it through this long and arduous process because he has turned into a complete monster.  He is not the person I fell in love with and married, nor the person I chose to father my son.  That's another thing that breaks my heart...watching Connor go through this.  It's not been easy on him at all.  I'm trying to stick to our old routine as much as possible and shower my little monkey with as much extra love and hugs as I can to let him know that even though daddy may be a punk and has left, mommy isn't going anywhere.

I think that will wrap it up for tonight...

Song of the Day:   Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson - so right!