Reflections of a Crab

I find myself most at home in the water.  Lakes, rivers, streams but even more so by the sea.  In the ocean I feel truly at peace and the ironic thing is that when I was a kid, about 9 or 10 I almost drown in a riptide.  I've never followed the Zodiac signs super closely but every once in awhile I do read my horoscope for curiosity sake and the character traits of when I was born do fit me to a T.  I am a Cancer, the crab, a water sign.  Makes sense I am most at home in the water.

Growing up in the Bay Area we travelled to the beach frequently and we were never far from a lake or pool.  I loved to watch the fog roll in in the evening time.  Being forced away from the coast as a pre-teen was extremely hard for me.  Moving a crab into the middle of a desert with only swimming pools in sight was not a smart move.  Anytime I come back to the ocean I honest to God feel like I am coming home.  My mom has always felt at home in the mountains and with pine trees etc but for me, its the sea salty air, the sting of the waves, the call of the gulls.

We arrived in Imperial Beach yesterday afternoon for my parents vow renewal and immediately began the prep for the ceremony,  Once the ceremony had completed my little one wanted to go down to the water, he's been looking forward to this beach trip for months.  So we went down to the water's edge and he took to it just like a fish.  I let the waves lap my feet but the sun was beginning to set and didn't feel like getting completely wet.  But I could hear and feel the water calling to me.

It was a full moon last night.  One I had hoped to enjoy with the love of my life but he was unable to get the time off work to make the trip with us.  I sat outside on the grass with my feet curled under me and watched her for awhile.  Thinking.  Listening to the waves crashing behind me. Thinking and thinking.  This trip I knew was going to be about thinking.  I've had much to reflect on over the past several days.  Weeks.  Months.  If we are being honest, even years.  As the moon shifted behind the clouds and out of sight I knew I needed to shut the thinking down for the night as I was thinking in circles and that never solves anything but cause frustration.

This morning I woke up before the rest of the house had stirred and found my dad out on the deck with coffee just enjoying the surf.  I had the opportunity to complete Bible study with both of my parents as well which was muchly needed and a real treat.  Afterward, down to the sand...  I stepped into the water and my brothers and sister convinced me to go get my suit on.  Now mind you, its a brand new suit, a 2 piece.  Never in my life have I worn a 2 piece but I did.  I put it on, strode down to the water and rocked that suit.  But ANYWAY...

I stood for a very long time in the water by myself watching the waves roll in and out.  Feeling the sand pull out from underneath my feet as the waves pulled back.  I watched in awe as this occurred over and over again and I thought about how powerful the ocean was.  I've been going through some really hard times for the past 6 or so months.  Dealing with quite a lot, emotionally, physically, professionally.  I thought about the water as one entity and how as the water moved in it changed the shape of the sand.  I thought long and hard about how 1 decision, 1 action, 1 moment can change the lives of people.  A friendship, a relationship, a life.  I thought about how unsteady the sand was.  These millions of tiny particles below my feet that were forever shifting every time the water came in and pulled back.  I thought about how lately I have been on unsteady ground.  Much like standing on the shore and having to continuously change my footing or move around so I wasn't falling over or in a hole, I feel that my life lately has been very much like the stand.  I haven't had a steady, solid foundation.

I've been contemplating something for awhile now.  No, I take that back, I had made plans to do something a few weeks ago.  Plans I made that I gave very little thought about at the time but potentially could have major consequences in several areas of my life.  Today I sat on the beach and thought about these plans because for the past several days I have been thinking I need to cancel them..  I sat down near the water and just thought again.  I thought a lot more in depth about what I mentioned up above about the power of the water and the instability of the sand.  I let the water lap onto my feet, it covered my legs, rhythmic and calming as I thought about the consequences of my potential actions.  I cried.  I got up and got into the water.  I prayed, I actually asked God to show me a crab.  I wanted a sign that I was making the right decision.  He brought me one.  I got deeper into the water and I let the waves crash over me.  They completely covered me.  I cried some more.  I released a lot into that water.  Hate, hurt, sadness, betrayal.  I was down in that water for a good hour or more.  I came out feeling renewed and like a new woman.  Feeling like I had a greater purpose.  Ready to move into the future.  I still have a long way to go on the road to healing but I feel like I've at least started the journey...

Apparently I'm a Hoodlum...THUG LIFE!

Tomorrow is October 1^st.  There are 3 months until the end of the year.  For the most part 2012 has been a pretty decent year.  I’m praying what little remains will be just as great as the beginning was.  I’m hoping to end the year with Craig as well.  We’ve talked about him coming out for Christmas for quite some time so I’m anticipating that’s still in the works.

So, to vent a little.  The other day the topic of tattoos came up with my mother and it’s not a topic I readily discuss with her due to the fact that she is so anti-tattoo.  For me every tattoo I have considered or gotten have all had a deeply personal meaning and reason behind them.  My brother and I were talking about wrist tattoos and my mom said that she thought of druggies and suicide when she thought of wrist tattoos. She then went on to ask why the sudden need to get inked and asked if it was because of my boyfriend.  I promptly stared at her aghast and reminded her that I was tattooed YEARS before I ever met Craig, have had dozens of other designs in the works since then, Poppy and I have been talking tattoos for at least 5 years and yes I am in a relationship where the guy I’m with accepts and even enjoys tattoos but he is not influencing what I am doing to MY body.  She then said that she is just worried about how I’ll look when I’m 80 and how I’ll feel about them when I’m elderly.  Like I mentioned earlier, my tats are all very personal to me.  I have gone through a hell of a lot of shit in my 29 few years and tattoos are very cathartic to me.  Track my journey and remember where I’ve been and how far I’ve come and where I could have ended up.  I’m not one of those people who just puts something on their body just because.  “Oh hey why don’t you get a can of cheese whiz just for the hell of it?” “OK!” Um no, that’s not me…  So back to the wrist tattoos.  There is a reason and a personal one I want wrist tattoos.  I am not a druggie or a thug, never have been nor will I ever be.  During my sophomore and junior year in high school I felt like my life was out of control.  Besides suffering from an eating disorder and my mom’s new dating life and being told I might very well lose my sight, I just couldn’t  handle things anymore.  I hit rock bottom and tried to regain some control in my life by trying to end it.  I don’t talk about this.  Very few people know.  But I would like to cover up the scars on my wrist, I’ve put that part of my life behind me.  I want to get “neart” and “cruadal” one on each wrist.  Neart is gaelic for strength and cruadal is gaelic for courage/toughness.  Neart is both Scottish and Irish and cruadal is Scottish.  They aren’t going to be huge, maybe 2-3 inches in length and an inch to inch and a half tall.  My mom finished the conversation with, “Well, you’re almost 30 Rebekah.  I guess you can do whatever you want with your body but I’m just saying…”  Why does this even come up?  I mean COME ON!  It’s not her body.  She doesn’t have to look at them.  My other siblings have tattoos as well.  Her husband has one for goodness sake!  Why with me are things second guessed?  Why am I questioned extra hard?  I’ve been the good kid out of us 5...

 Anyway, I digress… so after the wrist tattoos are completed in the next few weeks I have decided that I will wait to get my next piece done based on the amount of weight I lose.  Which in a way is a double win, not only am I getting “rewarded” for my hard work by losing weight I am also getting ink. And I also am slowing how quickly that ink is appearing on my body, ha ha! I found an artist that I adore in both work and personality and I have A LOT planned for the future and having a streamlined back is part of that journey.  So I have decided I will get work done every 20 lbs I lose even if it’s just partials at this point with the exception of going to Australia in March as the sea turtle tattoo will be getting done then.  SO hitting it hard for the next 6 months is the plan for sure which means some decent work done if I make goal! So here goes nothing!

Hell Week in Sept

I've been putting off penning this because every time I sit down to right it I become so overwhelmed its quite insane actually.  This past week of the 10-14 Sept has been quite the difficult for me. 

The 10th found me back in Superior Court facing the demon once more over visitation and parenting time.  All in all it was a complete waste of time.  Nothing was resolved, Nick still isn't abiding by what he should and he shows up to court with his posse being Crystal's dad and her brother.  Talk about intimidation factor, ridiculous and HE thought I wasn't going to have my attorney there so that makes it even worse.  Anyway we are back in Oct because the child support issue wasn't even raised. So complete drain to start out the week.

The 11th.  Don't really need to say much here but an incredibly emotional day and it is every year for me.  I will never forget that morning. EVER.  It was early, before 6 o'clock, my mom came running into my room and woke me with a start saying the World Trade Towers had been bombed.  I was up immediately as a.) have always loved the WTC and had planned a trip to NY to photograph the marvels and b.) have family working in the Towers.  News reports were still early and then we watched live as a plane slammed into the South Tower...I will never forget that feeling.  The surrealness of the whole thing. The "oh my God this is NOT happening" feeling.  We stayed glued to the TV until it was time to take my little brother to school and I had to teach that day.  I remember just sitting in front of the TV for the 2 classes I taught and just watching.  Everyone cried when the towers fell.  Again, the unbelieveableness of it all.   I kept thinking about my family and whether or not everyone was ok.  I drove to my one college class that day out by the base and it was eerily silent.  The normal background noise of jets flying over were gone and it was weird.  The whole air of the day was off.  School finished and the highlight of the day for me was that the new P.O.D. CD came out that day and  I had pre-ordered it.  When I went to the store to pick it up after class, it was a ghost town. The whole rest of the day everyone I knew was glued to the TV.  My just graduated from High School mind was reeling.  My friends were talking about signing up for the services, I contemplated that very decision for MONTHS.  Never a day goes by that I don't think about that day in some form of another.  Thinking of the children on those planes, the people in the towers, the plane in PA.  The heroism of that day made me proud to be an American.  The way this Nation came together after such a horrific event and under the guide of a phenomenal President.  There still is not closure.  I remember hearing the news the night Bin Laden was caught.  I was shopping with Connor at Target.  I cried but it was not closure.  Someone else would rise to take his place, there would be continued hatred around this world.  Him dying did nothing like I thought it would.

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful.  I got killed at work, have been suffering from a migraine for a week now without relief.  Friday the 14th happened and it was a reminder that 5 years ago on a Friday evening very much like this last one that I made the biggest mistake of my life.  Marrying someone you DO NOT love is not advisable.  It's left me angry, bitter and just mad for the past 5 years plus.  So many lies were fed to me in that 11 year relationship.  Lies I'm still trying to overcome now.  So all in all...pretty shit actually and I'm ready to put it behind me and move on to October because its that much closer to the end of the year...

Day One...

Ugh...the morning started off less than desirable.  I couldn't fall asleep, again so when I finally did nod off it was close to 2 am with my alarm set for 530 to complete a workout and shower before work.  Connor woke me up at 430 and I should have just gotten up but I was so tired I went back to sleep and didn't hear my alarm until 645...well after I needed to get up =/  Jumped in the shower, didn't have time to get breakfast (HUGE mistake), grabbed lunch out of the freezer and rushed to work.

I told myself that I would have a good day.  After a shitty weekend I had to.  If I'm going to change my attitude, I have to do it little by little and refusing to go in in a bad mood is a start, a small one but a start nonetheless.  Headache got bad around 9 am and my stomach started getting really bad around 11.  I didn't pack any snacks today and I don't know if it was because of that or the lack of breakfast.  Right now its just after 1800 and I feel run down.  Work today was more mentally draining then usual, I got a ton of transfer files, more than the norm for a Monday plus the lack of sleep is trying.  I also think that the conscious knowledge of the calorie restriction being back into affect is making me constantly feel hungry.  I'm not a huge eater as it is, most likely a left over side effect from being an anorexic for years but the past few weeks the food I was putting wasn't the best, but all day I have wanted to eat.  Bored eating, maybe.  I'm not dehydrated, I've had over a gallon of water as well...

Due to not waking up when I wanted to I didn't get to weigh in either.  I'm not too upset about that though.  I'm a little afraid actually.  Craig switched my scale to KG while he was here and I can't figure how to change it back.  I know I lost 15 lbs in the first 2 weeks after he went home due to the deep depression I plunged into upon his departure but due to my shitty eating habits and poor sleep patterns, I'm not surprised if I gained all that back. 

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day... but on the brighter side, I started the day telling myself that I loved myself...fake it til ya make it Bec, fake it til ya make it...

Enough is enough...

Since the end of July I've been spiraling into a unknown I'm not happy about.  The way I've been treating myself and my mind is incomprehensible.  If what I was doing to myself I had been doing to another, it probably would have been considered abuse.

So today, after spending much of the night laying awake reflecting on the last month, I have decided,; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 

I am tired of not being important enough.  Not being important enough to myself and not being important enough to stand up for what I believe in and for my feelings.  I'm tired of giving my all as far as the weight loss and then not seeing results and then giving up on myself after a few weeks.  I'm done playing that game.  I'm tired of being fat.  I'm tired of not wearing what I want.  As stupid as this sounds, I'm tired of not getting second looks when I enter a room.  I know that sounds incredibly vain but when they used to come and now they don't...

I'm tired of not feeling sexy when I get up in the morning and get ready.  Tired of not caring if and when I roll out of bed.  Overall, I'm just tired...

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new me.  Diet, exercise, self-love...

It's happening.

World, you better WATCH OUT!

Phoenix Rising...

I feel like so much has happened since I last took the time to write that I really don't know where to begin...

My head is swimming with SO many thoughts and about 90% of them are not the good kind.  It's absolutely amazing to me how the human emotion can in one moment take you from the highest of highs and in a matter of moments plunge you to the depths of the absolute lowest you have ever experienced in your life.  in the past 3 weeks my emotions have run the gamut.

 My Scotsman made it out for my birthday and despite being ill it was the best 10 days of my life thus far.  Being really and truly loved for the first time ever in my life is a feeling like no other.  The way he would look at me was something that I've never experienced; you could see the love just radiating from him.  Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and he had to go back home.  Since the 27th of July, I feel like my world is falling apart.  I've always missed him but this is SO MUCH MORE now.  To top that off work has been a sack of shit.  Being out while Craig was here because of two separate illnesses put me exponentially behind everyone else and despite using two weekends where I did not have a day off I cannot catch up for the life of me.  To top that off I've saddled myself into this massively depressive state, I know partially why, well there are several reasons why I am but besides being thousands and thousands of miles way from the one that I love, I've recently suffered a very personal and very deep tragedy.  I've got to get myself in this space where I can do everything that I wand and need to do.  Craig and I have a massively hard journey ahead of us over the next few years filled with major decision making and the like.  I need to get myself and Connor into a space where we are prepared for the future and inevitably to be a family if and when the time is right.

But the moral I guess for me, is to get out on "paper" how blessed I really am.  After dropping Craig off at the airport for him to head home, I really felt like I had been reborn because of his coming despite the incredible ache I felt watching him leave.   I have an amazing man in my life, a beautiful little boy and am poised on the precipice of a potentially REALLY happily ever after.  I just need a little faith, trust and maybe some Celtic faerie dust to round it all out...

Just Another Face In The Crowd

A friend of mine asked the universe a question last week and when he did I felt awful for him but right now I feel the exact same way.

How is that one can be surrounded by people and feel so utterly alone?

I feel like for the better part of 2 years I have been riding an emotional roller coaster and I just want to get off...  I've thrown myself from one abusive relationship to another.  I've tried so very hard to focus on me but when I spend the time doing that long enough, I'm not comfortable with what I find or the company I think.  People, mainly the assholes I've chosen to date, have tried to change me over the years.  I've tried my hardest to stay true to myself but the relationship that I was in that ultimately lead to a failed marriage changed me in a lot of ways for the worse.

Mainly, my self-esteem is non-existent and every time I feel like I'm about to crawl out of the barrel, the crabs pull me back down.  I've finally found a decent gentleman that says he loves me for me and I can't even take a compliment from him without making a face, or telling him that its not true or making some kind of disgusted sound as if he's telling me lies. 

Today I had a pretty crappy day at work and came home and spent some time laying out in the sun and actually felt SO much better but then about 3 hours later I was/am down in the dumps.  I'm feeling like I'm a failure as a person, a mother and in a lot of ways just destined to be alone.  I feel as if I struggle day in and day out to juggle being a full time employee, full time mom and trying to keep a house as well.  Ever since my hospitalization last July I feel as if I can't stay on top of things.  Anything, my home, work, my family, let alone a relationship that currently is so long distance its almost not even on the same planet.

I know most of its my own fault.  Choosing less than ideal people to bring into my life.  My ex husband never cleaned, the next ex "cleaned" too much.  All have used me for what they could get out of me or from me.  The more time I spend thinking on it the more upset I get and the weight...

I haven't talked about it in awhile because I've been discouraged.  I feel like I do all this stuff and nothing is happening and then its like why am I doing it??  To be healthy?  Yeah I guess.  I want more children and that was ultimately the driving force.  The kid thing isn't going to happen for awhile if ever so it's kinda like "what's the point??"  Yes I know I need to be healthy to be around for Connor but I'm so tired of not seeing any results.


I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of doing this alone.

I'm just tired...