I find myself most at home in the water. Lakes, rivers, streams but even more so by the sea. In the ocean I feel truly at peace and the ironic thing is that when I was a kid, about 9 or 10 I almost drown in a riptide. I've never followed the Zodiac signs super closely but every once in awhile I do read my horoscope for curiosity sake and the character traits of when I was born do fit me to a T. I am a Cancer, the crab, a water sign. Makes sense I am most at home in the water.
Growing up in the Bay Area we travelled to the beach frequently and we were never far from a lake or pool. I loved to watch the fog roll in in the evening time. Being forced away from the coast as a pre-teen was extremely hard for me. Moving a crab into the middle of a desert with only swimming pools in sight was not a smart move. Anytime I come back to the ocean I honest to God feel like I am coming home. My mom has always felt at home in the mountains and with pine trees etc but for me, its the sea salty air, the sting of the waves, the call of the gulls.
We arrived in Imperial Beach yesterday afternoon for my parents vow renewal and immediately began the prep for the ceremony, Once the ceremony had completed my little one wanted to go down to the water, he's been looking forward to this beach trip for months. So we went down to the water's edge and he took to it just like a fish. I let the waves lap my feet but the sun was beginning to set and didn't feel like getting completely wet. But I could hear and feel the water calling to me.
It was a full moon last night. One I had hoped to enjoy with the love of my life but he was unable to get the time off work to make the trip with us. I sat outside on the grass with my feet curled under me and watched her for awhile. Thinking. Listening to the waves crashing behind me. Thinking and thinking. This trip I knew was going to be about thinking. I've had much to reflect on over the past several days. Weeks. Months. If we are being honest, even years. As the moon shifted behind the clouds and out of sight I knew I needed to shut the thinking down for the night as I was thinking in circles and that never solves anything but cause frustration.
This morning I woke up before the rest of the house had stirred and found my dad out on the deck with coffee just enjoying the surf. I had the opportunity to complete Bible study with both of my parents as well which was muchly needed and a real treat. Afterward, down to the sand... I stepped into the water and my brothers and sister convinced me to go get my suit on. Now mind you, its a brand new suit, a 2 piece. Never in my life have I worn a 2 piece but I did. I put it on, strode down to the water and rocked that suit. But ANYWAY...
I stood for a very long time in the water by myself watching the waves roll in and out. Feeling the sand pull out from underneath my feet as the waves pulled back. I watched in awe as this occurred over and over again and I thought about how powerful the ocean was. I've been going through some really hard times for the past 6 or so months. Dealing with quite a lot, emotionally, physically, professionally. I thought about the water as one entity and how as the water moved in it changed the shape of the sand. I thought long and hard about how 1 decision, 1 action, 1 moment can change the lives of people. A friendship, a relationship, a life. I thought about how unsteady the sand was. These millions of tiny particles below my feet that were forever shifting every time the water came in and pulled back. I thought about how lately I have been on unsteady ground. Much like standing on the shore and having to continuously change my footing or move around so I wasn't falling over or in a hole, I feel that my life lately has been very much like the stand. I haven't had a steady, solid foundation.
I've been contemplating something for awhile now. No, I take that back, I had made plans to do something a few weeks ago. Plans I made that I gave very little thought about at the time but potentially could have major consequences in several areas of my life. Today I sat on the beach and thought about these plans because for the past several days I have been thinking I need to cancel them.. I sat down near the water and just thought again. I thought a lot more in depth about what I mentioned up above about the power of the water and the instability of the sand. I let the water lap onto my feet, it covered my legs, rhythmic and calming as I thought about the consequences of my potential actions. I cried. I got up and got into the water. I prayed, I actually asked God to show me a crab. I wanted a sign that I was making the right decision. He brought me one. I got deeper into the water and I let the waves crash over me. They completely covered me. I cried some more. I released a lot into that water. Hate, hurt, sadness, betrayal. I was down in that water for a good hour or more. I came out feeling renewed and like a new woman. Feeling like I had a greater purpose. Ready to move into the future. I still have a long way to go on the road to healing but I feel like I've at least started the journey...
