How is that one can be surrounded by people and feel so utterly alone?
I feel like for the better part of 2 years I have been riding an emotional roller coaster and I just want to get off... I've thrown myself from one abusive relationship to another. I've tried so very hard to focus on me but when I spend the time doing that long enough, I'm not comfortable with what I find or the company I think. People, mainly the assholes I've chosen to date, have tried to change me over the years. I've tried my hardest to stay true to myself but the relationship that I was in that ultimately lead to a failed marriage changed me in a lot of ways for the worse.
Mainly, my self-esteem is non-existent and every time I feel like I'm about to crawl out of the barrel, the crabs pull me back down. I've finally found a decent gentleman that says he loves me for me and I can't even take a compliment from him without making a face, or telling him that its not true or making some kind of disgusted sound as if he's telling me lies.
Today I had a pretty crappy day at work and came home and spent some time laying out in the sun and actually felt SO much better but then about 3 hours later I was/am down in the dumps. I'm feeling like I'm a failure as a person, a mother and in a lot of ways just destined to be alone. I feel as if I struggle day in and day out to juggle being a full time employee, full time mom and trying to keep a house as well. Ever since my hospitalization last July I feel as if I can't stay on top of things. Anything, my home, work, my family, let alone a relationship that currently is so long distance its almost not even on the same planet.
I know most of its my own fault. Choosing less than ideal people to bring into my life. My ex husband never cleaned, the next ex "cleaned" too much. All have used me for what they could get out of me or from me. The more time I spend thinking on it the more upset I get and the weight...
I haven't talked about it in awhile because I've been discouraged. I feel like I do all this stuff and nothing is happening and then its like why am I doing it?? To be healthy? Yeah I guess. I want more children and that was ultimately the driving force. The kid thing isn't going to happen for awhile if ever so it's kinda like "what's the point??" Yes I know I need to be healthy to be around for Connor but I'm so tired of not seeing any results.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of doing this alone.
I'm just tired...
