*sigh*
These past few days have been rough for me. I've always struggled with my self-esteem, well since about the age of 11 but I've gone through stages where I've been okay for long periods of time and then something happens and it's like I crash...
Have steadily been crashing lately. No particular reason even this time. I know I'm getting frustrated with myself because the weight isn't coming off fast enough. I know, I know. It's not like I put it on overnight so I KNOW it's not going to come off that fast either. I'm walking/jogging/running almost daily. My calories are between 1200-1500. I'm putting good calories in. Proteins and good carbs. I'm not putting in candy, or chocolate, or ice cream or any of that other shit I would eat occasionally and sometimes daily. I broke down and had 2 diet sodas this week. Partly because I needed the caffeine so badly! My head has been going nuts. I have no clue why; maybe lack of sleep, added stress at work, stress in my personal life, maybe the diet and exercise thing is making my body go, "Hey whatcha doing?" I don't know but the pain has been pretty intense since about Saturday...
I didn't weigh in this week. I think part of that was because I forgot Monday and Tuesday but then this morning when I looked at the scale, I just didn't want to. I don't feel any different than last week and I'm afraid of what I'll see. Yeah again, grow a friggin' pair Beckie and just get on the damn thing. Well, you should be in my head right now people!
I was having a little pep talk with myself last night...looking at myself in the eyes in the mirror and telling myself to grow up when my gaze began to wander and instead of bringing my focus BACK to my eyes I began to pick apart my body. Looking at myself without any love at all and nothing but hatred. Being a critic and not a good one, is there even such a thing anymore? Picking and picking over myself. This needs to go and that's too fat and seriously Beckie, NO wonder you hardly look in the mirror more than a few minutes in the morning. Wash your face, do your hair, brush the teeth and turn out the light...I've even resorted to applying my makeup in the tiny visor mirror in the car on the days I actually wear it now.
Then I began to ponder, where has this come from...this self loathing? Well, I was bullied in school. Had a husband who put me down before, during and after our marriage, boyfriends have, even people within my own family have. So I'm guessing this is perhaps why. Many, many do not know I had an eating disorder that started back in 8th grade, and I thought I was fat back then...Wow do we have a skewed sense of reality of ourselves sometimes...
But anyway, I just need good thoughts and prayers sent my way...I'm a bit worried about myself and my headspace. I'm sure everyone battling weight has been here but I don't want to be here for long or at all for that matter...
