*sigh*
These past few days have been rough for me. I've always struggled with my self-esteem, well since about the age of 11 but I've gone through stages where I've been okay for long periods of time and then something happens and it's like I crash...
Have steadily been crashing lately. No particular reason even this time. I know I'm getting frustrated with myself because the weight isn't coming off fast enough. I know, I know. It's not like I put it on overnight so I KNOW it's not going to come off that fast either. I'm walking/jogging/running almost daily. My calories are between 1200-1500. I'm putting good calories in. Proteins and good carbs. I'm not putting in candy, or chocolate, or ice cream or any of that other shit I would eat occasionally and sometimes daily. I broke down and had 2 diet sodas this week. Partly because I needed the caffeine so badly! My head has been going nuts. I have no clue why; maybe lack of sleep, added stress at work, stress in my personal life, maybe the diet and exercise thing is making my body go, "Hey whatcha doing?" I don't know but the pain has been pretty intense since about Saturday...
I didn't weigh in this week. I think part of that was because I forgot Monday and Tuesday but then this morning when I looked at the scale, I just didn't want to. I don't feel any different than last week and I'm afraid of what I'll see. Yeah again, grow a friggin' pair Beckie and just get on the damn thing. Well, you should be in my head right now people!
I was having a little pep talk with myself last night...looking at myself in the eyes in the mirror and telling myself to grow up when my gaze began to wander and instead of bringing my focus BACK to my eyes I began to pick apart my body. Looking at myself without any love at all and nothing but hatred. Being a critic and not a good one, is there even such a thing anymore? Picking and picking over myself. This needs to go and that's too fat and seriously Beckie, NO wonder you hardly look in the mirror more than a few minutes in the morning. Wash your face, do your hair, brush the teeth and turn out the light...I've even resorted to applying my makeup in the tiny visor mirror in the car on the days I actually wear it now.
Then I began to ponder, where has this come from...this self loathing? Well, I was bullied in school. Had a husband who put me down before, during and after our marriage, boyfriends have, even people within my own family have. So I'm guessing this is perhaps why. Many, many do not know I had an eating disorder that started back in 8th grade, and I thought I was fat back then...Wow do we have a skewed sense of reality of ourselves sometimes...
But anyway, I just need good thoughts and prayers sent my way...I'm a bit worried about myself and my headspace. I'm sure everyone battling weight has been here but I don't want to be here for long or at all for that matter...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Seize The Day
Ok... so I forgot to weigh in Monday and I think my hard drive may have crashed ta boot...
So, had to trudge over to mum's and ask to borrow her PC to sign onto Facebook and also blog...
Victories...Friday I walked 11,900 steps and I didn't even do anything out of the norm. I was ecstatic at days end when I saw I was close to 12k steps! The mileage was close to 4 I believe.
Thanksgiving was a victory as well. No pigging out. Watched my portions, did not go back for seconds and skipped the pie, well actually had no dessert that night, just a cup of coffee while we played a game.
Weighed in Tuesday morning...was shocked and overjoyed to discover that in the 15 days since I have started this journey I have lost 12 lbs! I know by Christmas I will have hit a huge goal for myself by then if I keep this up and I'm not doing anything excessive nor even getting into the gym!
Is it ok to say I'm proud of myself? What the hell, I am! It's about time and I'm coming good! I'm making some many positive changes that are not only going to impact my lifestyle but also Connor's and that makes me the happiest of all. I'm changing my future and Connor's and it's for the better. He's gonna see positive eating habits and good self esteem.
Yeah, I'm proud of myself...
So, had to trudge over to mum's and ask to borrow her PC to sign onto Facebook and also blog...
Victories...Friday I walked 11,900 steps and I didn't even do anything out of the norm. I was ecstatic at days end when I saw I was close to 12k steps! The mileage was close to 4 I believe.
Thanksgiving was a victory as well. No pigging out. Watched my portions, did not go back for seconds and skipped the pie, well actually had no dessert that night, just a cup of coffee while we played a game.
Weighed in Tuesday morning...was shocked and overjoyed to discover that in the 15 days since I have started this journey I have lost 12 lbs! I know by Christmas I will have hit a huge goal for myself by then if I keep this up and I'm not doing anything excessive nor even getting into the gym!
Is it ok to say I'm proud of myself? What the hell, I am! It's about time and I'm coming good! I'm making some many positive changes that are not only going to impact my lifestyle but also Connor's and that makes me the happiest of all. I'm changing my future and Connor's and it's for the better. He's gonna see positive eating habits and good self esteem.
Yeah, I'm proud of myself...
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Day 3 ~ Kickin' @$$ and Takin' Names!
Oh what a trying past 3 weeks it has been...
Drama, drama, drama with the ex and his hosebeast...
But, that's not what I'm discussing here. This blog is about ME...my phoenix story...my rise to the top again out of the ashes. And here we are. SO, in my earlier blog from this month I talked about the weight loss goals and the trip I was going to give to myself. Started walking with my girlfriend at work that week and took out soda. Also for the past 2 weeks had severely limited my fast food intake. Hard when you're working my hours, a single mom with a son now in daycare and bloody exhausted at night. The only thing you want to think about is getting home and in bed! And the "drive-thru" provides that luxury of not standing in the kitchen for 30-45 minutes making something!
On Monday, the 21st I implemented calorie counting and food journaling. Everything that I put in my mouth got counted as well as written down. My goal is 1500 or less a day, with at LEAST 30 minutes of cardio. So far I've done that or come damn near it every day. I started using a pedometer Tuesday and have really become more aware of walking and moving. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Walking to the farther bathroom at work. It's fun to see how many miles I've gone!
Today was the first day I ate out with the calorie counting and mom and I went to Olive Garden. They actually have a pamphlet that has all their meals listed on it! I thought that was awesome! Did really well if I do say so myself. Only had 1 breadstick, when on a normal visit I may have had 3. There are 150 calories in 1! Being aware finally about what I'm eating is way more than eye-opening. It's almost frightening!
I've decided to go to Oz a little sooner for a short jaunt in March and then take my big trip still in March of 2013. Hoping to be in the 200's by then. My actual goal is 40 lbs in 4 months...Let's see if I can do it!
There have been a lot of things on my mind lately these past few weeks. Personal, work, etc. And tonight since Connor isn't home I decided to go to Udall. Spent an hour there with myself just enjoying the night air and exercising and feeling absolutely fantastic! I'm really on fire for this weight loss thing for the first time in a long time. There is not a single person trying to hold me back. If there was I am now strong enough to rid my life of them. Been in 3 relationships in the last 18 months...not a good thing. Taking some time for me now. Nick was never supportive to the weight loss thing so now I think I'm really going for it!
Will let you know on Monday if I've lost anything!
Drama, drama, drama with the ex and his hosebeast...
But, that's not what I'm discussing here. This blog is about ME...my phoenix story...my rise to the top again out of the ashes. And here we are. SO, in my earlier blog from this month I talked about the weight loss goals and the trip I was going to give to myself. Started walking with my girlfriend at work that week and took out soda. Also for the past 2 weeks had severely limited my fast food intake. Hard when you're working my hours, a single mom with a son now in daycare and bloody exhausted at night. The only thing you want to think about is getting home and in bed! And the "drive-thru" provides that luxury of not standing in the kitchen for 30-45 minutes making something!
On Monday, the 21st I implemented calorie counting and food journaling. Everything that I put in my mouth got counted as well as written down. My goal is 1500 or less a day, with at LEAST 30 minutes of cardio. So far I've done that or come damn near it every day. I started using a pedometer Tuesday and have really become more aware of walking and moving. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Walking to the farther bathroom at work. It's fun to see how many miles I've gone!
Today was the first day I ate out with the calorie counting and mom and I went to Olive Garden. They actually have a pamphlet that has all their meals listed on it! I thought that was awesome! Did really well if I do say so myself. Only had 1 breadstick, when on a normal visit I may have had 3. There are 150 calories in 1! Being aware finally about what I'm eating is way more than eye-opening. It's almost frightening!
I've decided to go to Oz a little sooner for a short jaunt in March and then take my big trip still in March of 2013. Hoping to be in the 200's by then. My actual goal is 40 lbs in 4 months...Let's see if I can do it!
There have been a lot of things on my mind lately these past few weeks. Personal, work, etc. And tonight since Connor isn't home I decided to go to Udall. Spent an hour there with myself just enjoying the night air and exercising and feeling absolutely fantastic! I'm really on fire for this weight loss thing for the first time in a long time. There is not a single person trying to hold me back. If there was I am now strong enough to rid my life of them. Been in 3 relationships in the last 18 months...not a good thing. Taking some time for me now. Nick was never supportive to the weight loss thing so now I think I'm really going for it!
Will let you know on Monday if I've lost anything!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Long Time, No Write...
WOW! I hadn't realized that it had been over a year since I had written...
So much has gone on in the past year that it would literally take me weeks and weeks to try to catch up so instead I will over time fill in pieces but mostly start from the here and now.
Okay, where to begin. Well to get the poo out of the way, divorce was finalized on May 10, 2011. I got full custody of Connor because of some of the things Nick had done and is still continuing to do. The judge saw it fit that Nick was not responsible enough to make decisions for Connor and gave that right to me, thankfully. He does have visitation though. Having some serious issues with his girlfriend, my former friend, who is trying to control the childcare situation, because she cannot trust Nick...I know, big surprise right?
Had some seriously scary medical issues back in late July. Found out that my birth control had caused bilateral pulmonary emboli...scattered blood clots in both lungs. Was rushed to the ER early one July Saturday morning because I was literally suffocating to death...After 10 days in the hospital on 2 different blood thinners trying to stabilize my INR (blood clotting rate), I was finally able to go home but now am on a blood thinner regimen until at least January. We keep trying to get the INR stabilized and in the right area but are having difficulty regulating it. Once the 6 months are up I'll be tested to find out if I need to stay on them for life or if I will be able to come off of them *crosses fingers* Let's pray this isn't a lifetime thing...
But onto bigger and happier things...
Weight loss...due to the stress and depression that followed the long and arduous road since filing for the divorce, I didn't keep up with my weight loss goals :( My accountability partner took a different position at work and we could not longer be accountability partners because of her new job position (conflict of interest). Now that the dust is starting to settle and many other parts of my life are beginning to fall into place, I'm making that a top priority finally. Mom, Pappy and I are taking Connor to Disneyland for Christmas this year...wanna be able to fit comfortably on the rides. Also want to be able to walk the parks and not be dead at the end of the day or even half way thru the day. I'm planning on taking Connor to WDW next Spring/Summer as well. Another reason to get into shape.
He's also 2 and 1/2...he's RUNNING everywhere currently and I want to make sure I'm right there with him to explore life. He doesn't need 3 overweight parents...heh heh heh...so I'm going to be the one who's busting out of the mold...hot and sexy momma. I remember in an earlier post I talked about the ultimate revenge...time to start living it.
SOOOOOO...as a present to my new self once I hit that goal weight...which is 100 lbs lost to begin with...I've decided I'm going to treat myself to a vacation that I have always wanted to take and one that I've put in the back of my mind that would never happen but I'm going to start planning and saving for this. I'm going to take a 2 week trip to Australia when I hit that goal. Travel to Sydney and see the Opera House, go dive the GBR and photograph it...oh to photograph it! Also got some friends in Melbourne and Brisbane that I'd love to see. I've been looking at some travel sites and it looks like Cairns has some great sites to the GBR. I'll be sticking to the eastern coast and I think 14 days will be enough for sightseeing and scuba diving. Been looking through sites all evening and I am thinking that I will either shoot for November 2012 or March 2013 as during that time is their summer. Getting excited! As the pounds come off, the savings for the trip will be going into the bank and that's going to be another reason to make me smile :)
So much has gone on in the past year that it would literally take me weeks and weeks to try to catch up so instead I will over time fill in pieces but mostly start from the here and now.
Okay, where to begin. Well to get the poo out of the way, divorce was finalized on May 10, 2011. I got full custody of Connor because of some of the things Nick had done and is still continuing to do. The judge saw it fit that Nick was not responsible enough to make decisions for Connor and gave that right to me, thankfully. He does have visitation though. Having some serious issues with his girlfriend, my former friend, who is trying to control the childcare situation, because she cannot trust Nick...I know, big surprise right?
Had some seriously scary medical issues back in late July. Found out that my birth control had caused bilateral pulmonary emboli...scattered blood clots in both lungs. Was rushed to the ER early one July Saturday morning because I was literally suffocating to death...After 10 days in the hospital on 2 different blood thinners trying to stabilize my INR (blood clotting rate), I was finally able to go home but now am on a blood thinner regimen until at least January. We keep trying to get the INR stabilized and in the right area but are having difficulty regulating it. Once the 6 months are up I'll be tested to find out if I need to stay on them for life or if I will be able to come off of them *crosses fingers* Let's pray this isn't a lifetime thing...
But onto bigger and happier things...
Weight loss...due to the stress and depression that followed the long and arduous road since filing for the divorce, I didn't keep up with my weight loss goals :( My accountability partner took a different position at work and we could not longer be accountability partners because of her new job position (conflict of interest). Now that the dust is starting to settle and many other parts of my life are beginning to fall into place, I'm making that a top priority finally. Mom, Pappy and I are taking Connor to Disneyland for Christmas this year...wanna be able to fit comfortably on the rides. Also want to be able to walk the parks and not be dead at the end of the day or even half way thru the day. I'm planning on taking Connor to WDW next Spring/Summer as well. Another reason to get into shape.
He's also 2 and 1/2...he's RUNNING everywhere currently and I want to make sure I'm right there with him to explore life. He doesn't need 3 overweight parents...heh heh heh...so I'm going to be the one who's busting out of the mold...hot and sexy momma. I remember in an earlier post I talked about the ultimate revenge...time to start living it.
SOOOOOO...as a present to my new self once I hit that goal weight...which is 100 lbs lost to begin with...I've decided I'm going to treat myself to a vacation that I have always wanted to take and one that I've put in the back of my mind that would never happen but I'm going to start planning and saving for this. I'm going to take a 2 week trip to Australia when I hit that goal. Travel to Sydney and see the Opera House, go dive the GBR and photograph it...oh to photograph it! Also got some friends in Melbourne and Brisbane that I'd love to see. I've been looking at some travel sites and it looks like Cairns has some great sites to the GBR. I'll be sticking to the eastern coast and I think 14 days will be enough for sightseeing and scuba diving. Been looking through sites all evening and I am thinking that I will either shoot for November 2012 or March 2013 as during that time is their summer. Getting excited! As the pounds come off, the savings for the trip will be going into the bank and that's going to be another reason to make me smile :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)